Tips and Tricks

Here we are again two weeks later and I'm still shocked that I made time to write all of this down! Per my last post I promised that I would give up some of my tips and tricks to weight loss and becoming healthy.

Please know that I write all of these tips and tricks as suggestions due to my own personal experience and I am in no way a professional! By all means, eat and exercise in a way that feels good to you!

So let's just jump in shall we? 

First things first, I don't believe in diets. Phew! I'm glad I got that off my chest! I know they work for people who have diligence, time and money.... But I have none of those things! I feel strongly that real food, exercise and sleep work drastically better. Sure, you can buy the latest-greatest new diet pill, but what ever happened to getting off your couch and playing outside? Eating an apple for a snack? Sleeping/meditating?? You can't beat fresh fruits and vegetables, vitamins, adequate water intake, consistent exercise, and a few glorious REM cycles!
Below I have mentioned a few key ingredients to what makes me feel good about my health!

1. Portion Control
We all fondly remember the feeling of Sunday dinner at our parents house where we are literally unable to move afterwards and we MUST unbutton our pants and snooze on the couch. There is a real American struggle with correct portion sizes and sugar addictions. Man do we love our BBQ's, home cooked meals and soda pops! These are some of my all time favorites too, but here is the deal- you don't have to use your plate as a device to build your own mountain. Utah does have some nice mountains of its' own thank you very much. Piling food is a terrible trick to ruining your success. Mind boggling right? I always try to separate my food and only allow myself one plate full. Please, I beg of you, eat slow and savor every last bite. Sometimes I eat like I will never get to taste food again and it really changes my perspective. You learn to take your time and appreciate what you are eating instead of shoveling it down your esophagus. Did you know people in other countries spend hours eating their meals because they are having a good conversation and eating slower? We should give that a try! I try my absolute hardest to never eat seconds and yes, I take leftovers home from restaurants for lunch the next day. I promise when you focus on portion control you will soon realize how small your stomach truly is and how much food you need to fill it. Hint: the answer is not four to five servings!

2. Water
 This one is hard and I'm still terrible at it, but drink insane amounts of water. I think 64 oz is about right? The best time do drink a glass of cold water is first thing in the morning. Your body so desperately needs it and it starts that good ol' metabolism! It helps get you going too- if you know what I mean! (Did I say too much??) Cold water in the morning can be extremely beneficial because it's a shock to the body. It takes work to warm that water and get it through your system, therefore burning calories. Win, win! One thing I always carry with me is a water bottle! I cannot live without that beloved thing. Grocery store, pedicure, working out, sitting on my couch- it's there. It's like a part of me in a very romantic way. You might as well throw ice and lemon in it because you just plain deserve it! Drink, drink, drink! (Sodas do not count, zero calories or not!) Ps. Does anyone own one of those new water bottles with the fruit infusers? Thoughts?

3. Meal Plan/Budget
Dan and I have gotten ourselves into a good habit of planning out everything we are going to eat for a week. We sit down on Saturday/Sunday to discuss what meals we would like, who is working what hours, when our classes are and when we are 'FFY' (fending for yourself). It has been a very fun challenge to fill out the little white board with our meal plan and groceries and discuss our upcoming week. I smack that baby on the fridge and I refer back every day! We give ourselves a budget of $50-60 each week and shop all organic (for the most part.) Seriously, it's been such a great learning process for us as we are insanely busy people and we make time for this each week as it has become so important to us. I urge you to sit down with your family and discuss what meals and leftovers you can plan on. Don't forget, you can't go back to the grocery store multiple times that week. It's a one stop deal. Incorporate what snacks, treats and sodas you plan to have as well -even on the weekend! I allow myself one cream soda every week.. It's not science to healthy weight loss.. but I think I deserve it.. So there!

4. Exercise
This is simple and personal. Everyone has different body types and knows what feels good to their own. For me, I try a little of everything and have found that circuit training is something I enjoy. For example, today at the gym was arms, abs, legs and the stair-master. Again, this is not science! You don't even need a gym pass for this one - JUST GO OUTSIDE. Walk the dog, take a picnic to the park, swim with your friends, go boating, do jumping jacks in front of your TV on commercial breaks or basically anything else that makes you active! Exercise needs to be a happy experience. I know some people love Crossfit, but I simply don't. I don't like feeling like a work out has to be a military experience or a competition. However, for some people, those types of aspects are what gets you happy and motivated! This is great news! Find what motivates you and jump in with two feet. This time last year, I was no where near motivated and I spent more time watching my cable TV then moving.. just plain moving. Get up and go people. This is CRUCIAL!

5. Sleep
Okay, I'll just be really honest here and say on average I get 4-5.5 hours of sleep a night. With Dan's night schedule and my morning schedule, we both rely heavily on naps. We have a lot of work to do in this department, but we can all agree that a good night sleep works wonders on your next day. I work a desk job from 5:30 AM to 2 PM. I hardly ever move from that computer and I'm chained to my phone, but I recommend getting up and moving throughout your day as much as your schedule allows. It's probably not best to sleep at your desk... As much as I wish nap time was a part of our adult ritual at work. If you struggle to fall asleep at night like we do, I recommend the "Rain, Rain" app. (It's free!) You are able to set a timer and play a variety of different 'running water' sounds. It works every time! Get some Zzzzz's!

6. Love Yourself
Body image is..... everything. If you love yourself, then that's enough. I used to look in the mirror and put myself down. I would think I'm not good enough, No one likes me, I'm not pretty, I'm so fat.. blah blah blah. This is honestly the worst part of this process- you are incredibly mean! It's true, you'd never say those things to another human, yet here you are in your personal space thinking "it's go time." Look again at the mirror and think, Wow I'm pretty neat, I've got it all, Look at this awesome heart I wear on my sleeve. It's not always about the diet and exercise, it's really about what's inside and what you think of yourself. Today was what I call a "fat day" where I kept thinking negatively of myself and my image. I felt bloated and disgusting and thought no one needs to witness this monstrosity. But yet, I gained the courage to get to the gym and give it my all. It's worth all the money in the world to be happy with yourself. The best part of my day was walking home from the gym in a rainstorm and remembering why I even started this journey. There is a silver lining to every cloud! You are that SILVER LINING!

7. Rewards/Motivation
Not only are the physically changes rewarding to see, but so are the emotional and mental changes. Your health is crucial to your happiness. No one is perfect, but we should always try to be. Rewards are a great way to look forward to hitting milestones. I came across a wonderful Instagram count with someone who has a wonderful story and is "real" about her progress. She stated that she didn't treat food like a reward because it could ruin her progress if her only reward was calories. Please remember to reward yourself with physical and emotional things. Such as, an adventure-filled date with your special someone, crafting, purchasing shoes, being outside for a BBQ, etc. There are so many wonderful things you can choose for a reward, and food often tops the charts. Why is that? It's not like we are starving? Treat yo'self!

I hope these suggestions deem worthy to enter your daily routine if you feel they are right for you!
If you have any suggestions for me, please let me know because I'm all EARS!
Goodnight!
Em

Twenty Freaking Pounds

Hello!!
Today is the day I become braver then ever. Today I am discussing my weight loss journey. The good, the bad and the very ugly.
I've had many people ask and I finally feel I can share my story and the terrible pictures. Just you wait.
It all started back in High School. I was part of the drill team, the oh so high and glorious drill team. I may or may not have been the foreseen weakest link, but half way through the competing season I came down with the worst illness my body had ever seen. Bronchitis.. Maybe you've heard of it? I had it for about 3-4 months and towards the end of those coughing fits my ribs couldn't take it anymore. They began bruising, inflaming and eventually breaking.  Doctors couldn't do anything more for me so my sweet mother would diligently wake up at 4:45 AM each morning to wrap my ice packs around my tender rib cage and send me off to drill. I was so miserable. I loved dance more than anything and it became my destroyer. I had to quit the team which in turn led to me losing all my friends, my teammates and my passion; dance. I became the school joke and was bullied the rest of my high school life. I'M SO GLAD HIGH SCHOOL IS OVER! (I'm sure I'm not alone in that.)

I was so neat!... not. (2009)

Let's move forward a couple of years. I had gained a little weight, not enough to make me scream and shudder at my mirror's reflection, but enough to be totally self-conscious and avoid social gatherings. It became my nemesis. I started to become the hermit I was so dreadfully afraid of. I had always been such a confident and headstrong woman that it was hard to be holed up in my sorrows and self-destruction. I tried taking dance classes in college and get back to my old happy self, but it didn't work. Naturally I had lost all flexibility and technique I had ever claimed to have had. My weight began slowly rising as my eating habits stayed the same from high school. Any dancers out there will say they ate anything and everything in that period of life because you needed to survive. With the countless hours a day we spent dancing we were fueled by late night runs to McDonald's, Cafe Rio and Molca Salsa. The weight was then worked off in sweat, blood and tears. I wish I would have taken a look at my diet and tried much harder to eat nutritionally right back then. Oh save my soul.
A year or so after this period, I met my darling husband. Prior to our wedding day, my mom had planned a girls graduation trip to Jamaica for my sweet little sister. I tried everything in my head to get out of this trip. Not because I was avoiding my family or the opportunity to climb a waterfall, but because I didn't want to be seen in a swim suit. I was dreading it sooooo much. I was in no place to be seen in a bikini and I didn't have the money to buy a one-piece.. Weddings are so dang expensive! So here I am just loving Jamaica, not my body, but Jamaica!

Can you say thunder-thighs? 

Two months later and I was the bride I always dreamed of becoming, except one small hitch. My body wasn't in the condition I wanted for my dream-day. If I was any smarter, I would have gotten myself a personal trainer because that is the only regret I will ever have about that day. I wanted to be my beautiful, confident self and I was hiding behind my horrid weight and huge princess dress. Can you even imagine the tears I produced that week because I didn't want my husband to see me naked? His poor innocent eyes! Have mercy!
Okay, okay let's fast forward another year and half. It is now November 2014 and I am the biggest I have ever been. My skin was a nightmare and my diet was ridiculous. I baked and baked and baked until I had no more sugar or flour left in the cupboard. Then on to the grocery store I went. It was my way of coping with married life. With all the stress, bills, lack of friends, health issues and busy schedules we had, I would bake my cares away. I'm assuming you know who ate all those treats! Pick me, pick me!!
So here I am.. the biggest, fattest loser. (Don't worry, it gets better). Here I am weighing in at 130 lbs and 5' tall. At this point I had determined I was lactose intolerant. I had awful eating habits and made no good decision in regards to being active. No gym, no activities, no hope!

Creepy face.. and no, I'm not pregnant.

This is what I've been so ashamed off. That person looks miserable and massive. For someone who is 5' nothin' I became horrified of myself. I became depressed through the wrong choice in birth control. (I had seen so many doctors for help and none of them could tell me what was wrong-I literally had been tested and tried in everything). Which led to my binge eating and self-destructive thoughts. Who could ever love someone so ugly?  Who could ever be my friend? These thoughts and countless others would flood my mind. I had no one and no where to turn to. I was utterly alone. Many of my loved ones had no idea because I was too ashamed to reach out for help. Rule number one: REACH out for help people. 

After taking these pictures, I would spend hours looking at them deciding how I would change. I wouldn't share this if it wasn't the truth, but I prayed for guidance and cried for forgiveness of my hurtful thoughts. God doesn't create ugly things.. we do. I had created myself into this form and I would now have to un-create it. Pound by pound, inch by inch. I woke up that next morning around 4 AM to get ready for work and it was like a bolt of lightening. I woke with an agenda and a course for my health and fitness. I even brushed my teeth so vigorously that I forgot I was doing it and cut up my gums. I was too preoccupied seeing a new me in the mirror for the first time. I saw a confident and beautiful young woman. A woman who was no longer afraid of the world, someone who actually wanted to be apart of it. I saw me. No walls, no guards and no fear. 

I bought my gym pass that very day after work and I remember walking out of the gym flashing my new 'golden ticket' at any onlookers! "Hey Guys, look how cool I am with this gym pass.. Isn't it like so cool?? It's like so clean and white and like 15 bucks. Like it totally says my name on it." like like like!

I slowly began working out. I looked like an absolute fool, but at least I showed up. Which I have learned is the hardest part. For the longest time I would mosey around the gym not sure what any machines do and how to work them. I defaulted to the dreadmill...oops I meant treadmill. Oh how I hate running. Let me reiterate... I hate running!!! My shins became an instant fiery blaze and my eyes would tear up just with the sting of pain. I would run and run and run until I would collapse. True story. I must have looked really strong massaging my legs and sitting on the treadmill with tears in my eyes and sweat on my chin.. seriously strong. I would often run for about seven minutes until my legs went completely numb then run until the timer said 20:00... then collapse. Super healthy, let me tell ya. 

Here is a picture from January 15, 2015. Not too much progress on the outside, but if only you could see the inside. 

It's a small difference in weight (maybe a couple of pounds) but it was a big change of heart. From here on out, I documented every step. I had begun Kayla Itsines' BBG program. A 16 week program that I stuck to diligently. Six days a week; three days of cardio and three days of arms, abs, legs, etc. This program has changed my life! It's simple to follow and Kayla is so inspiring. She is on both Facebook and Instagram where she posts so many uplifting thoughts and encouragement. For anyone looking to be inspired, I urge you to go find her and explore what she has to offer. My life has been forever changed and I owe her so many hugs! Here is the progress over these weeks:

January 21, 2015

February 6, 2015

March 10, 2015: Notice the butt lift! Squats baby!

March 23, 2015

Left: December 12, 2014                       Right: April 11, 2015

May 1, 2015 - Officially down 15 lbs.

So now for the most recent change. (below) Here is what I looked like this morning after my shower. I  weighed in at 110 lbs.. FINALLY! I still have a lot of work to do, but I've changed for the better. I feel strong and healthy. I put myself first now and 'don't take crap from no one' not even myself. The biggest obstacle I had in overcoming this journey was myself and doubt. I questioned what I was capable of and that just hurts you the most in the end.

Yesterday after 2 weeks of weights

Today marks a new chapter for me. I am doing less cardio and focusing on weight training. Dan has been so sweet in teaching me how all these "big girl" machines work. I never knew what I was capable of until I set my mind to it. I remember crying most every day with depression and self-pity. I was utterly helpless and felt that there was no point in saving my body. I destroyed it so quickly and it has taken months and so many supporters to get me back to where I am. I finally feel beautiful.. and no not on the outside, but on the inside. If you are looking for someone to be your friend or confidant, look no further. I wish I had someone to confide in through this process and I owe it to anyone looking for a healthy change. Health is one of the biggest parts of my life now and I'm entirely grateful to be me.
(I promise to soon post on my diet and some of the tricks/tips I've learned and created for myself in my personal goals.)
Yours Truly,
Emily

Sister /sis-ter/; a lifelong blessing

I grew up with a large family filled with sisters; a blood sister, step-sisters, sisters-in-law and close friends, also referred to as sisters. But today, I am giving well-deserved praise to my sweet little sister Aubo.
She would never know this, but she is my best friend. I never really had many close girlfriends growing up so she was always my little go-to, dress-up, make-up dolly. I'm sure she loved all my bangin' hair-cuts, "Taylor Swift dread-lock-braids," and mascara-d eyebrows. Oh and let's not forget the time I waxed her legs... I've never been threatened with death so many times... She always looked pretty awesome if I say so myself. I'm just lucky she was extremely patient with my makeovers. She was always there for me, regardless of the fights and mischief we so inevitably got ourselves into. When I struggled, she struggled with me and vice versa. I couldn't have asked for a better partner to get through childhood and all of it's misfortunes. We shared everything, even when we didn't want to, or ask each other for permission first... btw I promise I didn't steal those earrings.
We also shared a deep connection above all the rest of my siblings. She is by far the strongest little lady I've ever known and I'm privileged of claiming her blood line. She can make light of any situation and has been a fighter her whole life. She fights for the ones she loves and even the ones she doesn't. She cares waaayyy too much about people who hurt her because her heart is just so crazy big. She can make people happy with her sweet compliments and magical sarcasm. She finds happiness regardless how far away it is. (and honestly, she usually finds it in a sour punch straw.)  She is just an amazing woman.

When I got married a couple of years ago, Dan and I talked about moving to Washington to start his career and finish our schooling. We were both very ready to move and start our adventure. As we began planning 'how and when,' I started worrying about my sweet Aubo. Maybe not so much about her, but about me being able to be without her. I feel like I've always taken her under my tiny wing and protected her from reality and life's cruelest storms. Not sure it ever worked, but I felt the need to do it anyways. I barely see her as it is, but to be a solid two states away made me that much more worried. She truly is my best little friend and the whole 'two states away' business is a deal-breaker. Gratefully, Dan and I decided to finish school here then move next year. As this is still the plan, I feel much more ready to leave this time and find my life elsewhere. But again, I'll be sad to leave my best friend.

If anyone can be over-the-moon annoyed with me, it would be her. If I needed someone who was relentlessly hungry to binge with, it would be her. If I needed someone to watch an entire season of a Netflix show, it would be her. If I needed someone to teach me what all the new slang means, it would be her. If I needed someone to be the doorbell ditch-er, it would be her (after much force.) If I need someone to look up to, it would be her. She has always been a wonderful example of finding life's greatest happiness in the little things. We grew up with less than most, but we were still so happy. We learned how to rely on one another and have each other's back. Sisterhood is much more than silly gossip and sharing clothes as most TV shows portray, it's about the lifelong blessing of another person to love you no matter what.
I'm so grateful for that. Who knows where I'd be without my sweet Aubrey Marie. Love you sis!

Here is to the best life ever being best friend/soulmate/sisters! Cheers!

Live YOUR Life

Today I'm frustrated. Maybe with myself and maybe with everyone else. The weather was too cold for my liking, my work out was too hard and I took a huge step back in my motivation for happiness. Just a simple bad day.. but there is something on my mind. Something I should probably get off my chest.

When I was a little girl, I was just plain different.
I wasn't afraid to talk to boys that I thought were cute.
I wasn't afraid to be friends with everybody.
I wasn't afraid to say something to someone that needed to hear the truth.
I wasn't afraid to tell the mean girls at school how I really felt.
I wasn't afraid to break up a fight.
I wasn't afraid to be me.
I wasn't. afraid. at. all.

Still don't feel very afraid of those things, however, everyone else on this planet is.. Okay, okay fine.. not everyone. Just a LOT of you.

I find it excruciating to find people hiding behind some grand 'act.' Hiding behind a faux 'you' will only be your doom. We live in an instant gratification world, but no one is instantly gratified with the key things of value in our lives.. work, school, money, relationships.. you name it, it's not good enough and never satisfied. With how many people I've personally come across, it's the same darn thing..

They are living someone else's 

life.

They are wearing the newest clothes, trying the newest fad diet, dating someone with status and $$$, tweeting the latest and greatest gossip, fixing what is NOT broken, eating vegan, buying friends, and wearing the perfect shade of nail polish.. all at the same time. Good grief people.
Yes, you.. I'm talking to you. Are you happy with your life? Are you living YOUR life the way YOU want? Do you wake up in the morning and work each day to perfect yourself and live your dreams.. or are you just pinning them to a board? Did you tell the cute guy at the cafe that you thought he was cute and took a risk that you would be proud of? Did you go to bed last night being happy and honest with reality? Did you try something new?
For a simple change, try it. Jump off the edge and be rebellious. Man, it's only your 'faux' life you are risking. Be you and be real. Don't hide behind a screen and let the world change and shape you. Don't let love be too scary. Don't let personal happiness take over.. oh wait! How scary a thought.

Okay, sorry for that..
sarcasm will rule my life forever.. but at least I'm living mine honestly.
Happy Wednesday.

Oh Grandpa

This last week was one of the most bittersweet of my life. I lost someone who meant a great deal to me.  He was much more than a grandpa, he was a superhero with a pure heart of gold. He made an ordinary moment, seem much more
extraordinary. 

He made simplicity a virtue in my life. If he wanted to spend all day in a recliner chair sipping on a coke to watch his birds, then he darn well did. If he wanted to feed us everything under the sun, we had no argument good enough to stop him from becoming busy in the kitchen. If he wanted to plan the worlds biggest Easter egg hunt, then he spent all night filling the eggs with money and chocolates. If he wanted a family reunion, he instantly became the life of the party and showed us what a 'good time' really meant. If he wanted to be a real life superhero, he would only step outside his front door. If he wanted us to be a close, loving family, then he made it so.

As I heard the news of his passing, I spent most every second missing his sweet loving embrace, that only grandpas can give. He watched me grow up, as I did him. More than I even knew, I was extremely close to my grandpa. He got me through some challenging moments I was not yet prepared for in this life. He stepped in and scooped me up just as the Savior would have.. That's what grandpas are for and Grandpa Turner knew that handbook backwards and forwards.

My favorite memories of him were those silly moments when he would pull out one of his millions of hot casserole dishes from the oven with hot pads and scream 'Oo Oo Oo' and dance all the way to the dinner table where all us hungry grandkids watched and snickered. Grandma would roll her eyes and exclaim, "Oh Claude!" before whipping him with a dish towel. He loved to be playful, even with those shaky hands, we still would get mini heart attacks finding out if he was actually faking his hands being burnt clean off. Oh those hands. Those rough old hands that would slowly burn your arm as he would tickle the same spot for hours as you were cozied up in that recliner chair.. being too worried to move and lose your spot next to grandpa.. I learned to slowly rotate the sides of my arm so I wouldn't have an indian burn for the next week. You may say I am a well-seasoned rotisserie chicken.

And who remembers CATS? Oh my heavens! That ridiculous musical he has on VCR that we watched a hundred times before reenacting it on the basement hide-a-bed. We planned countless plays and performed them for the grown-ups. Those masterpieces took most of our nights, but grandpa was always overjoyed to see us appear upstairs for our performance.  He made sure to always have a front row seat and make our childish play seem like the most significant showcase.. Then seconds after the closing act, he made sure to beg us to sing a song. Bless his heart for keeping that movie that inspired most of us to be closet hairbrush performers and shower singers.

One thing you could always count on was that he always, always, always had candy. Typically the good ol' Hershey Kiss would do the trick. (He was just your average diabetic chocolate lover... okay kidding, he LIVED for chocolate.) He loved hershey kisses because he would put one in his mouth as he would fall asleep each night and let the chocolate slowly melt down his throat. If you don't like chocolate, just hearing grandpa talk about chocolate would make you absolutely crave a piece.. which he was always willing to share.

He would slip those little babies in my hands right before dinner and Grandma would again give her glorious and satisfying eye roll. He would wink at her and that secret love language is one I will master if my life depends on it. Those two were more in love that I ever knew. Looking back on those sweet embraces and moments between them, and being married myself, only shows me that they had the most incredible love story from start to.. well forever, because love never ends..  I'll always strive to have my marriage, home and relationships filled with love as theirs were. The Turner home never ever lacked, so shall the Cogburn home be.

If I weren't part of that wonderful thing we call "the Turner Family," I wouldn't be a strong, smart, independent and faithful woman. Without my sweet grandpa Claude, my life would never know the sweetness of not only chocolate, but a life full of happiness, love and living your dreams. He made sure we all knew that he loved us. Even if he said it a million times over again and we gave the 'eye roll' and exclaim "Oh Grandpa!"  If I learned anything from his beautiful life, it would be to tell my family "I love you" just a little more often.. may it always be a little less teary than his. 'Clauditis' is a term our family has become very accustomed to. "The act of crying tears of absolute happiness as loved ones are gathered near." So with that, I hope we can all suffer a few more 'Clauditis' moments in our lives as the Savior blesses us with a wonderful and growing family. I will miss you grandpa. You will always be my extraordinary hero.

Love you with all my heart, 

Your 'Clauditis' prone Granddaugher. xoxo

Pound by single-solitary Pound

New life goals can be overwhelming, but that can be the fun part (I guess???) Back in November 2014, I looked into full-length mirror.. let me stress the FULL LENGTH mirror aspect. As I looked up and down, over and over again, I was not amused with who I was looking at anymore. She didn't make me want to scream for joy and shout from the rooftops, she made me want to hide in a small corner with a bag of oreos and all 7-seducing seasons of Gilmore Girls.  Even sucking in didn't hide the fate I was headed for if I didn't take immediate action. For this reason, I finally decided I had to do something about what I was ignoring. My weight.
I grew up as teeny tiny as they come, five feet nothin' and eating whatever I wanted all day, every day, with no regrets (THANK GOODNESS!) I danced for 13 years and ran around with boys for the rest, so it wasn't until I was 19 that I started the daily grind desk jobs and non-movement-filled-calorie-burning activities. . . And as cute as a button as I thought I was, the buttons were popping off and replaced with the next size-up jeans with high waists and extra s t r e t c h in the legs. Us short people need to come to terms with the cold hard facts; the older we get, instead of the dreamt of height we get an oh-so-pleasant width.  I am convinced we have to work so much harder to keep the weight off than those taller folk.
So as November brought Thanksgiving, it brought my confidence to an all time low. Turkey and potatoes made me want to throw up and I didn't want people to see me eating.. They probably would have been astonished where I was fitting all the food.. oh just kidding, in my huge thighs, muffin top and double chin. Remarkably, during all three Thanksgivings that I was a part of last year, I just sat there and ate nothing. Instead, I had anxiety attacks and fanned myself with a napkin.. If only I was kidding. My family saw the sweat bullet down my face and I excused myself multiple times to see if I could get a freaking grip. How could I figure out the biggest insecurity I have had my entire life.. It was like trying to climb Mount Everest with no training, no motivation and of course no oxygen. Most people breathe with that stuff ya know. Then that beautiful day, the day that changed everything.
I remember waking up after having another self-pity induced night with treats and a TV remote. The moon was bright, the rain was falling (which is my total fav), and I saw my love sleeping so peacefully. The world seemed right again. I kissed him gently and finally climbed out of bed at 4:30 in the morning, which is normal for me. However, I was never so ready to become revived. I packed my lunch and my... my gym clothes.. Wait the gym? But, I didn't even have a pass? Guess I'd figure that part out later. I endured another successful work day and began heading home. My husband would be at school another hour and I would have to walk.. But I remembered the gym clothes and the conveniently nearby gym. So I took one step that direction, then turned around, then turned around again. I continued that ritual in front of my work building for about five minutes until the courage came pouring out of me. I looked absolutely mad with the pacing and pep-talk, but, it got me to the gym. It made me sign a paper, buy a pass, and head towards the locker room. As I changed, I stared at the ceiling wondering how in the world I would work out. Should I walk on the treadmill? Should I lift weights? Go to the mats and stretch first? Go to the Pizzeria down the street and wait for my husband? All these questions and only myself to answer them. I looked in a full length mirror one last time before I begrudgingly entered the gym. I didn't want to see that girl again and she seemed fine with it.

Less than two months later and I have lost 8 pounds. No, no crazy diets or limiting myself from living my life. I still have about ten-fifteen pounds to go, but I have never felt more alive. I go to the gym six days a week, or work out at home. I don't miss a single day. Not one. There is leg day, abs and arms day, full body and cardio for the rest. With the help of so many supporters and friends, I have been so confident in waking up the next day and getting the job done. When my motivation runs out, Danny jumps in to give me a gentle love-shove. I've researched all there can be researched to accomplish my goals. I have learned new recipes and eating habits. I have learned to push myself and keep looking in that dang mirror. I still see "that girl" sometimes, but we are becoming distant friends. (it's for the best). But for the first time in a long time, I like myself. I even got hit on at the gym.. "but hey dude, I am flattered and very married. We can be friends though?"
For so many years, I have wanted a perfect body. I wanted the curves to be less.. well uhm.. curvy. I want to be physically strong. I want to reflect the strong woman I am on the inside. With the help of Kayla Itsines and Meg for being ever so forceful, I am making some serious dreams come true. This year will hopefully one of the best for me as I am working on this goal. I guess it helps that I'll be at the beach this summer and wearing. a. swimsuit.

Days, Months, Years??

It's been a year... It's been a year? I can't stop repeating that to myself after re-reading my blog posts from the days past and realizing that this last year flew by. So much has happened, but there is no safe place to begin. As it has been so graciously pointed out, I talk in circles and it never staaahhhppps.
We can start at today though.

Today I worked at my favorite job in the world. In this past year I experienced the single worst job I had ever worked, then one day the sun shined brighter than ever and I met someone so sweet and kind and one thing lead to another and now I have an amazing job.. (See, I'm really trying to avoid.. the dreaded circles.)

Today I worked out because I have been on three months of absolute motivation to get my dream body. After thinking I was supposed to have a million babies by now.. kidding.. I couldn't look in the mirror without insecurities flooding my brain. So I woke up one day and say.. SCREW THIS.. (literally. you can ask Dan.) Ever since that point, I am sore every day and I find it delicious, I found an amazing work out buddy, I have eaten so much healthier and I absolutely LOVE who I am.. for the first time in a long time! I am so thrilled.

Today I gave in to the addiction I call.. Lorelai and Rory. I look forward to it them all day. I even fell in love with cardio gym days so I can watch it and sweat my eyes off while being in the same place (the couch works too!)

Today we ate lunch together..  Since I hardly see my man, when I do I feel like celebrating and running wild. So we got take-out from our favorite pho place (La Cai Noodle House.) Anyways, it's amazing. (end of circle.)

Today I adored my husband.. but that's like everyday. forever. He is simply the best. Sorry for a lame update. But all is well... And since I'm super on top of it, here are some of our wedding photos... a year a half later!
Enjoy!

Love the Cogglies