Twenty Freaking Pounds

Hello!!
Today is the day I become braver then ever. Today I am discussing my weight loss journey. The good, the bad and the very ugly.
I've had many people ask and I finally feel I can share my story and the terrible pictures. Just you wait.
It all started back in High School. I was part of the drill team, the oh so high and glorious drill team. I may or may not have been the foreseen weakest link, but half way through the competing season I came down with the worst illness my body had ever seen. Bronchitis.. Maybe you've heard of it? I had it for about 3-4 months and towards the end of those coughing fits my ribs couldn't take it anymore. They began bruising, inflaming and eventually breaking.  Doctors couldn't do anything more for me so my sweet mother would diligently wake up at 4:45 AM each morning to wrap my ice packs around my tender rib cage and send me off to drill. I was so miserable. I loved dance more than anything and it became my destroyer. I had to quit the team which in turn led to me losing all my friends, my teammates and my passion; dance. I became the school joke and was bullied the rest of my high school life. I'M SO GLAD HIGH SCHOOL IS OVER! (I'm sure I'm not alone in that.)

I was so neat!... not. (2009)

Let's move forward a couple of years. I had gained a little weight, not enough to make me scream and shudder at my mirror's reflection, but enough to be totally self-conscious and avoid social gatherings. It became my nemesis. I started to become the hermit I was so dreadfully afraid of. I had always been such a confident and headstrong woman that it was hard to be holed up in my sorrows and self-destruction. I tried taking dance classes in college and get back to my old happy self, but it didn't work. Naturally I had lost all flexibility and technique I had ever claimed to have had. My weight began slowly rising as my eating habits stayed the same from high school. Any dancers out there will say they ate anything and everything in that period of life because you needed to survive. With the countless hours a day we spent dancing we were fueled by late night runs to McDonald's, Cafe Rio and Molca Salsa. The weight was then worked off in sweat, blood and tears. I wish I would have taken a look at my diet and tried much harder to eat nutritionally right back then. Oh save my soul.
A year or so after this period, I met my darling husband. Prior to our wedding day, my mom had planned a girls graduation trip to Jamaica for my sweet little sister. I tried everything in my head to get out of this trip. Not because I was avoiding my family or the opportunity to climb a waterfall, but because I didn't want to be seen in a swim suit. I was dreading it sooooo much. I was in no place to be seen in a bikini and I didn't have the money to buy a one-piece.. Weddings are so dang expensive! So here I am just loving Jamaica, not my body, but Jamaica!

Can you say thunder-thighs? 

Two months later and I was the bride I always dreamed of becoming, except one small hitch. My body wasn't in the condition I wanted for my dream-day. If I was any smarter, I would have gotten myself a personal trainer because that is the only regret I will ever have about that day. I wanted to be my beautiful, confident self and I was hiding behind my horrid weight and huge princess dress. Can you even imagine the tears I produced that week because I didn't want my husband to see me naked? His poor innocent eyes! Have mercy!
Okay, okay let's fast forward another year and half. It is now November 2014 and I am the biggest I have ever been. My skin was a nightmare and my diet was ridiculous. I baked and baked and baked until I had no more sugar or flour left in the cupboard. Then on to the grocery store I went. It was my way of coping with married life. With all the stress, bills, lack of friends, health issues and busy schedules we had, I would bake my cares away. I'm assuming you know who ate all those treats! Pick me, pick me!!
So here I am.. the biggest, fattest loser. (Don't worry, it gets better). Here I am weighing in at 130 lbs and 5' tall. At this point I had determined I was lactose intolerant. I had awful eating habits and made no good decision in regards to being active. No gym, no activities, no hope!

Creepy face.. and no, I'm not pregnant.

This is what I've been so ashamed off. That person looks miserable and massive. For someone who is 5' nothin' I became horrified of myself. I became depressed through the wrong choice in birth control. (I had seen so many doctors for help and none of them could tell me what was wrong-I literally had been tested and tried in everything). Which led to my binge eating and self-destructive thoughts. Who could ever love someone so ugly?  Who could ever be my friend? These thoughts and countless others would flood my mind. I had no one and no where to turn to. I was utterly alone. Many of my loved ones had no idea because I was too ashamed to reach out for help. Rule number one: REACH out for help people. 

After taking these pictures, I would spend hours looking at them deciding how I would change. I wouldn't share this if it wasn't the truth, but I prayed for guidance and cried for forgiveness of my hurtful thoughts. God doesn't create ugly things.. we do. I had created myself into this form and I would now have to un-create it. Pound by pound, inch by inch. I woke up that next morning around 4 AM to get ready for work and it was like a bolt of lightening. I woke with an agenda and a course for my health and fitness. I even brushed my teeth so vigorously that I forgot I was doing it and cut up my gums. I was too preoccupied seeing a new me in the mirror for the first time. I saw a confident and beautiful young woman. A woman who was no longer afraid of the world, someone who actually wanted to be apart of it. I saw me. No walls, no guards and no fear. 

I bought my gym pass that very day after work and I remember walking out of the gym flashing my new 'golden ticket' at any onlookers! "Hey Guys, look how cool I am with this gym pass.. Isn't it like so cool?? It's like so clean and white and like 15 bucks. Like it totally says my name on it." like like like!

I slowly began working out. I looked like an absolute fool, but at least I showed up. Which I have learned is the hardest part. For the longest time I would mosey around the gym not sure what any machines do and how to work them. I defaulted to the dreadmill...oops I meant treadmill. Oh how I hate running. Let me reiterate... I hate running!!! My shins became an instant fiery blaze and my eyes would tear up just with the sting of pain. I would run and run and run until I would collapse. True story. I must have looked really strong massaging my legs and sitting on the treadmill with tears in my eyes and sweat on my chin.. seriously strong. I would often run for about seven minutes until my legs went completely numb then run until the timer said 20:00... then collapse. Super healthy, let me tell ya. 

Here is a picture from January 15, 2015. Not too much progress on the outside, but if only you could see the inside. 

It's a small difference in weight (maybe a couple of pounds) but it was a big change of heart. From here on out, I documented every step. I had begun Kayla Itsines' BBG program. A 16 week program that I stuck to diligently. Six days a week; three days of cardio and three days of arms, abs, legs, etc. This program has changed my life! It's simple to follow and Kayla is so inspiring. She is on both Facebook and Instagram where she posts so many uplifting thoughts and encouragement. For anyone looking to be inspired, I urge you to go find her and explore what she has to offer. My life has been forever changed and I owe her so many hugs! Here is the progress over these weeks:

January 21, 2015

February 6, 2015

March 10, 2015: Notice the butt lift! Squats baby!

March 23, 2015

Left: December 12, 2014                       Right: April 11, 2015

May 1, 2015 - Officially down 15 lbs.

So now for the most recent change. (below) Here is what I looked like this morning after my shower. I  weighed in at 110 lbs.. FINALLY! I still have a lot of work to do, but I've changed for the better. I feel strong and healthy. I put myself first now and 'don't take crap from no one' not even myself. The biggest obstacle I had in overcoming this journey was myself and doubt. I questioned what I was capable of and that just hurts you the most in the end.

Yesterday after 2 weeks of weights

Today marks a new chapter for me. I am doing less cardio and focusing on weight training. Dan has been so sweet in teaching me how all these "big girl" machines work. I never knew what I was capable of until I set my mind to it. I remember crying most every day with depression and self-pity. I was utterly helpless and felt that there was no point in saving my body. I destroyed it so quickly and it has taken months and so many supporters to get me back to where I am. I finally feel beautiful.. and no not on the outside, but on the inside. If you are looking for someone to be your friend or confidant, look no further. I wish I had someone to confide in through this process and I owe it to anyone looking for a healthy change. Health is one of the biggest parts of my life now and I'm entirely grateful to be me.
(I promise to soon post on my diet and some of the tricks/tips I've learned and created for myself in my personal goals.)
Yours Truly,
Emily